Tuesday, July 15, 2008
why am i putting this here, i guess the same reason i put anything here. there isn't one. there also were five more detailed paragraphs i have sinced removed.
somehow i feel like i should delete the bad, find the good in all this, tuck it away, and carry it with me. moving forward. onward. upward. up up and away ! <--i just love to say that one.
i feel really empty. and the oh so typical... lost. and sad. actually tremendously sad. like physically sick sad. bad sad. that's a first. but most people wouldn't know it. most don't. so i am gonna roll with it, and see how this heartache shit plays out. i should get a notebook or journal and start writing down all these "lessons" in how "time heals"... make it an experiment.
and can i say for the record, why is every fucking song on the radio about being in love - or - losing love! it makes a day hard to get through. i should turn the music off for awhile. i promise you this, i will not write a song about it !!
and while i am on the subject of relationships. can i just tell you that, i have grown apart from almost every close friend i have. i choose to say "grown apart" because it is less painful then saying by fault or neglect of anyone. i am terrible at keeping relationships with people. i am scared to death of intimacy. vulnerability. i have lost my circle of friends, lost myself a little.
i can be a great friend. but i have a hard time letting someone be a friend to me.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
I am with someone now. Someone I love more than I ever thought I could love someone, besides my daughter, but...but...but... there's always a "but" with me. I am fully aware that I have "intimacy issues" (and I don't mean in the bed) and I am not the type of girl to pursue, push, or make ultimatums. I like my space. And I wonder how long I can keep saying that? Thing is, the guy I am with now knows and appreciates this and loves me still, loves me more than anyone ever has...expresses it more freely then anyone ever has...looks at me like no one else ever has...
but I know there's a chance we'll never get "there"...I just KNOW, but I am too scared to let him go, and it will definitely be something I have to do...I will have to be the one to walk away. Why do I think about walking away, is that in itself a sign, or is it my old fears creeping back and ruining another good thing?
sometimes I wonder if it is just that I "recognize" love now, and am ready and able to let go more freely, and wonder what I may be missing out on...am I missing out?! I just feel like there is so much out there, and I am not giving myself a chance.
Maybe it's just those damn jewelry commercials, where the guy slips the necklace on her neck when she's sleeping - or - in her hand on the snowy car ride home... damn them!
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
So today, little lovebug of mine found out that girls (more so than any other species) can be cruel. And just for no good reason. It's tough to explain to a nine-year old that I know it hurts but pay them no attention, that she's better than that, and that it will all be forgotten by tomorrow. When really I wanted to say, it will only get worse in Middle School and High School, girls can be downright mean (and I was one of them, long ago) and those two are stupid girls anyway and I never liked them! It is nothing to be concerned about, it's rather silly, but at that age it's only just beginning and the first jab is like a dagger to the heart - OUCH!
Afterwards, she felt better. Acknowledged the unreasonable behavior and was preparing Q&A's for tomorrow, should the same subject arise. "Hey Mom, thanks for talking to me, I feel better!"
How come I don't... I don't want her to grow up!
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
She wrote a poem for an optional creative writing competition, where the 1st and 2nd place winners will be going to a statewide competition in their age level at a state university, where the winner may be published. She came in 2nd place! I couldn't be any happier for her. I knew the talent and ideas were there, but as with any child, it is usually the confidence that takes time to catch up. I hope this gives her that confidence to know it is okay to fail, as long as you try...and when you try, you just may succeed!
On the bottom floor, there is all that I have done.
Art of the past.
People I have known and places I have gone.
Memories that make my heart smile.
And things I know I should not have done.
Here on the main floor is what is today.
All of my friends, my school, and things that I know
My family, my life, all that is happening now
All of it I love.
Upstairs is the modern art.
My husband, my house, and children are there.
They are part of me, what I am going to be
It is art that hangs there waiting for me.
Things I love now, but have to wait to see.
Beyond her true pride, her biggest concern - or - first question,
"Can I put this on my college application?"
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
It establishes responsible boundaries and guidelines to ensure that stem cell research is conducted ethically and safely. And, it strictly bans any attempt to clone a human being. If people choose to engage in illegal activity, they will. For there will always be those who will find their way around an issue, but I am not willing to put aside HOPE that stem cells could provide cures for many currently incurable or common diseases and injuries for those of us who want good.
This isn’t a political issue! It’s not a partisan issue. This isn’t a science versus religion, a Democrat versus Republican. This is a people issue and that’s why it is so vital.
This message is brought to you by Thirteen Lefts, and I approve this message on behalf of the many loved ones I know with MS, and Diabetes.