i give up.

on someone i love. it's time. when the love isn't lost but just changes i still haven't got a grasp on how exactly you let someone "go". i feel like i should just move to a new city unannounced. if it were just me, i probably would.

why am i putting this here, i guess the same reason i put anything here. there isn't one. there also were five more detailed paragraphs i have sinced removed.

somehow i feel like i should delete the bad, find the good in all this, tuck it away, and carry it with me. moving forward. onward. upward. up up and away ! <--i just love to say that one.

i feel really empty. and the oh so typical... lost. and sad. actually tremendously sad. like physically sick sad. bad sad. that's a first. but most people wouldn't know it. most don't. so i am gonna roll with it, and see how this heartache shit plays out. i should get a notebook or journal and start writing down all these "lessons" in how "time heals"... make it an experiment.

and can i say for the record, why is every fucking song on the radio about being in love - or - losing love! it makes a day hard to get through. i should turn the music off for awhile. i promise you this, i will not write a song about it !!

and while i am on the subject of relationships. can i just tell you that, i have grown apart from almost every close friend i have. i choose to say "grown apart" because it is less painful then saying by fault or neglect of anyone. i am terrible at keeping relationships with people. i am scared to death of intimacy. vulnerability. i have lost my circle of friends, lost myself a little.

i can be a great friend. but i have a hard time letting someone be a friend to me.

whoever said, "money can't buy happiness"

was never stuck in a dead-end job.and while it can't buy "happiness" per say, i will indeed tell you what it can "afford" you... oh, hell...what it can "buy" you!

it can buy personal freedom, the kind where you can afford to pursue passion instead of paycheck! it can buy you an education for learning sake, not just a degree! it can buy you precious time with an impressionable daughter, who thinks mommy has to work too much! it can buy a retirement plan, much needed, so i am not working at burger king in my eighties! it can buy peace of mind! yes, it sure as hell can!

i am in one of those seesaw type moods. could be considered manic, in medical terms. but i am not. clinically. promise.

one of those days, that you just decide you are missing out severely on life. one of those days where you unexplainably decide to never go back to work. one of those days, where the day itself, is so overwhelmingly dumb and routine. one of those days where the idea of doing this every single day for the rest of my life, just won't work.

one of those days that smacks you in the face and screams, "wake up...grow up...get out and on with life! cause you sure are missin' out sista' girl!"

yep. my subconscious thoughts shout at me like nell carter from "gimme a break" yea yea!

i wish i had a nell carter. to kick my ass.

and friends closer. to hug.

when you forget your own password

you know it's been awhile.

so I read a single girl in New York's blog today - and - I got a phone call today...both got me thinking. Thinking a lot actually.

I hate talking about boys and relationships, I always have. I don't know why, but it feels like a sign of weakness to me. The whiney single girl, who can't find the "right" guy and her heroic stories about dating in this mad world. There is the side of me that likes to play it off, like "I dont' need no stinkin' man to be happy" which I don't, but I must admit I think about it more and more frequently.

so today I get a call from an "ex", like as in a "we used to date and have sex for over a year" ex. He was much older than I, not in a sick way, but I have always been one to like older men. The young, hot, crusty haired, frat boy types NEVER did it for me. A-n-y-w-a-y, so the ex calls and it seems initially like he is wanting to see how I am doing, which in the past has usually meant, "I am single momentarily and would like to get laid" or at least that is what I assumed it meant, and for the last four years, I have not seen him, nor had a drink with him, gone to dinner with him, nothing. Let me just say first, he was a very handsome, very successful man...had that tall, dark and mysterious thang' goin on, and when he first approached me I was flattered and intrigued. All around, he was a good guy, decent guy... had a good family, great house, never been married, no kids. Of course he liked to stare at himself in the mirror in his briefs, and was a bit pretentious with his clothes and cars, but...he was thoughtful and kind. He talked every now and then about marriage and kids, not necessarily with me, but we talked about how we both felt and what we both wanted. He was almost ready, I was not.

Today he told me he got married and has a baby on the way. He met her, they dated for a year ( A YEAR?! What's a year....not enough time to find out someones crazy...or...maybe when it's "right" you just know) he took her to Rockefeller Center in NY, got down on his knee and proposed. Now, they are expecting a child.

It hit me like a ton of bricks, I felt like my chest was tightening. It wasn't because I wished it was me, but I did wonder...if that is why he called. Is it that simple, you meet, you mate, and you procreate, you just sort of make that commitment to grow together - YOU JUST DO IT, and hope for the best and make the most out of it? Or does everyone really have that gut-wrenching, heart-pounding, earth-shattering LOVE that I think LOVE should be? Do I expect to much? Did I expect to much? Am I thinking too hard about this right now?

I am with someone now. Someone I love more than I ever thought I could love someone, besides my daughter, but...but...but... there's always a "but" with me. I am fully aware that I have "intimacy issues" (and I don't mean in the bed) and I am not the type of girl to pursue, push, or make ultimatums. I like my space. And I wonder how long I can keep saying that? Thing is, the guy I am with now knows and appreciates this and loves me still, loves me more than anyone ever has...expresses it more freely then anyone ever has...looks at me like no one else ever has...

but I know there's a chance we'll never get "there"...I just KNOW, but I am too scared to let him go, and it will definitely be something I have to do...I will have to be the one to walk away. Why do I think about walking away, is that in itself a sign, or is it my old fears creeping back and ruining another good thing?

sometimes I wonder if it is just that I "recognize" love now, and am ready and able to let go more freely, and wonder what I may be missing out on...am I missing out?! I just feel like there is so much out there, and I am not giving myself a chance.

Maybe it's just those damn jewelry commercials, where the guy slips the necklace on her neck when she's sleeping - or - in her hand on the snowy car ride home... damn them!

framed and hanging

so I have become a little less than obsessive about "what to do with my photographs?" I don't need recognition, though it would be flattering. I don't need praise and accolades, though they are humbly welcome. I just get tingly at the idea of someone wanting my photograph framed and hanging in their home, office, outhouse, trailer, cabin, etc. I am not delusional and think I could make a living off shooting photography, though I would love to...shoot it for a living, not be delusional, though that may be peaceful at times.

as a temporary substitute to a real website of my very own and under the intense pressure of trying to decide the "how to's" of managing my own inventory, and/or orders (if they may ever be) I found this great little world, for artists of all types, to have a platform to put their stuff out there...and so I throw it out there...or lightly toss I guess. http://luckygirllefty.imagekind.com/

Be kind, please rewind. Oops, kidding. Be kind and visit, no expectations.

Expect little, be pleasantly surprised. Expect a lot and always be disappointed.

Mean Girls.

Boy oh boy, I must have took about fourteen rights because I almost forgot about this all important blob of space. Maybe I have been pre-occupied with thoughts or eating NON-STOP. No, I didn't just have a bowl of cereal at 8:24pm! Look, I am giving my Elliptical Machine a break tonight, she looked tired.

So today, little lovebug of mine found out that girls (more so than any other species) can be cruel. And just for no good reason. It's tough to explain to a nine-year old that I know it hurts but pay them no attention, that she's better than that, and that it will all be forgotten by tomorrow. When really I wanted to say, it will only get worse in Middle School and High School, girls can be downright mean (and I was one of them, long ago) and those two are stupid girls anyway and I never liked them! It is nothing to be concerned about, it's rather silly, but at that age it's only just beginning and the first jab is like a dagger to the heart - OUCH!

Afterwards, she felt better. Acknowledged the unreasonable behavior and was preparing Q&A's for tomorrow, should the same subject arise. "Hey Mom, thanks for talking to me, I feel better!"
How come I don't... I don't want her to grow up!

"The Heart Museum"

"Admission is free, donations are welcome." Is the first line of the poem that made me so PROUD, proud doesn't even seem like a big enough word. The author is nine-years-old, and has more enthusiasm and creativity in her little head, more hope and life in her brown eyes, more compassion and love in her heart, and kindness and peace in her soul than any other PERSON I have had the pleasure and gift of knowing. Oh, and her smile, what a smile!

She wrote a poem for an optional creative writing competition, where the 1st and 2nd place winners will be going to a statewide competition in their age level at a state university, where the winner may be published. She came in 2nd place! I couldn't be any happier for her. I knew the talent and ideas were there, but as with any child, it is usually the confidence that takes time to catch up. I hope this gives her that confidence to know it is okay to fail, as long as you try...and when you try, you just may succeed!

An excerpt:

On the bottom floor, there is all that I have done.
Art of the past.
People I have known and places I have gone.
Memories that make my heart smile.
And things I know I should not have done.

Here on the main floor is what is today.
All of my friends, my school, and things that I know
My family, my life, all that is happening now
All of it I love.

Upstairs is the modern art.
My husband, my house, and children are there.
They are part of me, what I am going to be
It is art that hangs there waiting for me.
Things I love now, but have to wait to see.


Beyond her true pride, her biggest concern - or - first question,
"Can I put this on my college application?"

H-O-P-E

If you were to vote NO on Amendment 2 would you be willing to sign an agreement saying you will not be allowed ANY access to cures or treatment options that may come from the stem cell research? Would you?

It establishes responsible boundaries and guidelines to ensure that stem cell research is conducted ethically and safely. And, it strictly bans any attempt to clone a human being. If people choose to engage in illegal activity, they will. For there will always be those who will find their way around an issue, but I am not willing to put aside HOPE that stem cells could provide cures for many currently incurable or common diseases and injuries for those of us who want good.

This isn’t a political issue! It’s not a partisan issue. This isn’t a science versus religion, a Democrat versus Republican. This is a people issue and that’s why it is so vital.

This message is brought to you by Thirteen Lefts, and I approve this message on behalf of the many loved ones I know with MS, and Diabetes.

http://www.missouricures.com/settingtherecord.php