Tuesday, July 15, 2008

i give up.

on someone i love. it's time. when the love isn't lost but just changes i still haven't got a grasp on how exactly you let someone "go". i feel like i should just move to a new city unannounced. if it were just me, i probably would.

why am i putting this here, i guess the same reason i put anything here. there isn't one. there also were five more detailed paragraphs i have sinced removed.

somehow i feel like i should delete the bad, find the good in all this, tuck it away, and carry it with me. moving forward. onward. upward. up up and away ! <--i just love to say that one.

i feel really empty. and the oh so typical... lost. and sad. actually tremendously sad. like physically sick sad. bad sad. that's a first. but most people wouldn't know it. most don't. so i am gonna roll with it, and see how this heartache shit plays out. i should get a notebook or journal and start writing down all these "lessons" in how "time heals"... make it an experiment.

and can i say for the record, why is every fucking song on the radio about being in love - or - losing love! it makes a day hard to get through. i should turn the music off for awhile. i promise you this, i will not write a song about it !!

and while i am on the subject of relationships. can i just tell you that, i have grown apart from almost every close friend i have. i choose to say "grown apart" because it is less painful then saying by fault or neglect of anyone. i am terrible at keeping relationships with people. i am scared to death of intimacy. vulnerability. i have lost my circle of friends, lost myself a little.

i can be a great friend. but i have a hard time letting someone be a friend to me.